Around the table, we’re all friends. Be a friend.
Especially in the world of online games and drop-in leagues, it can be easy to get caught up in the “game” of DnD. When the game groups come and go, we focus exclusively on the mechanics. But then we can forget that we are all still people around the table. People who may be spending hours with each other each week, and people who will enjoy that time more if we’re all better friends for each other.
Here’s how to level up your friend skills.
Level 1 - Bring Enough Energy to be friendly
Depending on how introverted you are, it may take more or less energy to be friendly with your fellow players. You don’t have to be the center of attention, but it can make a world of difference when a player brings “good energy” to the table. Plan that into your day. If you have a full time job and a limited social battery, try to minimize your face to face meetings on your game day. If you can’t reduce them, schedule them earlier in the day to give you some quiet work time to recover before gaming. If you are a student, don’t schedule your game to start immediately after your hardest class, when you will be the most mentally drained.
Level 2 - Don’t be a drain during play
Once you can be friendly and supportive, the most important time to think about being friendly is during other players’ turns. Many of our natural instincts are to “turn on” only when it is our turn. When other players act, we zone out, look at our phones, and sometimes hold whole conversations outside of the game. If, instead, you bring the energy to pay attention and make encouraging remarks to the person acting, it can create an atmosphere of support. This is especially important for newer players, as they may be unsure of their actions and may look around the table to see if others agree with their decisions.
It is easy to give that support. Think of a classic “hype man” character from a TV Show or Movie, a big gangster’s number 2 man. Here are some examples to get you started:
The fighter charges an enemy. “ohhh, they’re going down!”
The wizard casts fireball. “Yeah! Blast ‘em!”
The cleric casts a heal spell. “Like the enemy turn never even happened.”
The rogue steals picks someone’s pocket. “Puttin’ that dexterity to work!”
When you give those little shout outs, everyone know you’re paying attention, and they also know that you approve of the action they took. And that helps everyone at the table be more confident.
Level 3 - think of others’ playstyles
As you pay attention during other players’ turns, call out support for their best actions, and bring that good energy to the table, you may find yourself realizing that other people don’t play this game the same way you do. Not “other people” on the internet forums, not celebrity players, but even people at your home table might be coming to the game with totally different desires and intentions. In my own home games I have played with people who are most concerned with:
Talking to every NPC possible
Causing action to occur, whatever the cost
Being the hero at every possible turn
Prodding the fantasy world to see how deep it goes
Winning combats as decisively as possible
Gathering maximum loot
Once you think of what other people want in the game, you can funnel the energy and supportive comments we talked about above to set them up for times where they can take the spotlight! If you are the person concerned with talking to as many NPCs as possible, team up with your rogue focused on gathering maximum loot to find the wealthiest NPCs and rob them blind! If you are the combat tactician but you’re playing with someone who always wants to play the chivalrous hero, let them “handle the objectives” like saving civilians during combat while you use that distraction to set up an ambush. You’ll soon find that these approaches to the game are complimentary, not exclusionary. It just takes a little out-of-game discussion before jumping into action.
Level 4 - Think of others’ lives
At Level 3, you noticed the “whole” game that you’re playing, including the other characters and their (or their players’) motivations. The next step is to notice the players around the table. You have brought enough energy to be friendly, but if your usual partner in crime the rogue is acting glum, be a friend and ask them, as the player, how they’re doing. When you are hyper focused on winning the game and whether or not you are having fun, it can be hard to realize when other people are having a rough time. Once you pay attention to their turns, recognize their playstyles, and play with them collaboratively, you’re primed to be able to talk to them as people, even if you only met them online or at a game store table.
Week to week, try to remember what they told you about their lives and check back in. Even if you don’t recall the specifics, when you notice the rogue player acting glum one week, check in with them at the start of next session and ask them whether things are going better. You don’t have to derail the whole session, but taking 5 minutes at the start to show them you care can make a world of difference. But remember level 1 - you can’t do any of this if you don’t have the energy to pay attention and notice.
Friendships don’t end after session
Leveling up this process is a slow one. It involves changing how you think at the table and your natural reactions to other players who have different motivations than you. But if you can crack that nut, you may notice real attachment and appreciation to your fellow players. Our modern day doesn’t provide us with a ton of opportunity to get together with people on a regular, ongoing basis without the expectation of spending money. RPGs are an exception to this trend, and we should revel in it. Appreciate your fellow players, become friends, and Level 4 - thinking about other players’ lives becomes genuine care. Cherish your friendships.